don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
