I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
