Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
