Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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