Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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