I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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