i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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