In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
