Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
