if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
