I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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