My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize