At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
