i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
