he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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