non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
