I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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