I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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