how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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