I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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