Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
birth control should be required to get into college
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
