if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
