I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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