I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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