there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
