I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
