The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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