I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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