the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
