I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
