I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
