i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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