My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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