I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
