there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
