How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
