i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
