I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
