im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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