I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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