i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
