somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize