when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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