im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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