Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
