if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
