I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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