Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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