i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize