Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
