Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
