I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
