You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
