this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize