My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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