but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize