I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and she was petting her beer can
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
