mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We're using joints as your birthday candles
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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