I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
