my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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