she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
