Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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