I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize