shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
